JR

 

Around 2010 I was hanging out at my neighborhood bar with my friends. We loved this bar. We were there pretty much every single night. We were the regulars that got special treatment and we LOVED it. One night there was a particularly handsome man sitting at the bar and the moment we locked eyes , everything around us faded to grey. Ok maybe it was the vodka, but at the time it seemed profound. We got to talking and he and his mate (he was British) (be still my anglophile heart) were there watching the football match. We exchanged numbers and began talking a lot. It turned out he had a girlfriend, but he was miserable with her. It was one of those relationships where they had been together for so long that they didn’t really know how to not be together. After a week or so of talking he wanted to hang out. I was sick and he offered to come take care of me. I wasn’t going to pass up the chance to have a wildly handsome Englishman come dote on me. He came over and we watched movies while laying in my bed (calm down I was under the covers and he was on top of them). We cuddled and talked until the sun started to come up. We drifted off in each others arms. It was beautiful. He broke up with his girlfriend that morning. This was midweek sometime. That weekend one one of my besties birthday, After our fancy group dinner, JR came and met us. He was so handsome. I couldn’t handle it. He was by my side all night. And not by my side. He was getting to know everyone and helping me wrangle the very DRUNK birthday boy. He was making friends with all of my friends. Including my most hilarious friend, Chas, who kept yelling things like "let's throw another shrimp on the bar-b" and "jaguars are real mean" in the most Australian accent you've ever heard. JR just laughed and laughed at my dumb friends. I took bday boy home and come back to JR. We left and went back to my place. Along with 2 out of town friends who were staying in my guest room. I was ready. He was perfect. Tonight was going to be perfect. Or so I thought. It started off rocky with him RIPPING my brand new Alice and Olivia dress that I was absolutely obsessed with. So much so that I still own it even though I wouldn’t be able to get it over my leg if I tried. I digress. The moment of truth had finally come. Too bad I never did. When I say it was like being in bed with an actual jack hammer, it is a complete understatement. I couldn’t sit the next day. It was terrible. And jarring. Literally. The whole time he kept saying how he had been waiting his whole life for me and how he couldn’t believe how lucky he was. I couldn’t stop wondering how much shaking would it take before actual brain damage would set it. I did my duty of making him think it was great, mostly so he would stop, and we fell asleep wrapped up in each others arms. He was phenomenal at that part. The next morning, EARLY, I went and got in bed with my guests hoping they would have some sound advice for me. Liam, my gay “husband” (more on him later) simply said “kick his jack rabbit ass out”, so that’s exactly what I did. I gathered his things and woke him up and “helped” him out the door. He was very confused and kept trying to kiss me. I told him we had a very important brunch to get to and to get to steppin. I believe my exact words were “get the f%#$ out of my house”. He called and called for weeks. I didn't respond. He eventually got the hint and backed off. I found out later that he married the girl he broke up with me. He needed a green card and she was crazy about him. Good luck JR! See ya never!

 

It should be noted that when I took the birthday boy home he tried to pass out on his Livingroom floor. I just wanted to get him in the bed and I tried my best to make that happen. Somewhere a long the way I might have slammed his head into the door frame. I never would’ve told him but when I picked him up for the very important brunch the next morning he had a giant goose egg on his head and wanted to know what happened. Sorry Boo! But you’re fine.

Years later, my friend with the bump on the noggin got married to a fabulous man that I love dearly. It turns out that his husband actually went on a date with JR's ex (at the time) girlfriend, before he came out. He tried to sleep with her but ended up in tears instead. I feel like I really owe this girl a HUGE apology for causing such a rift in her "happily ever after" timeline. Of course I will never do it in person but for what it's worth, I am sorry. It wasn't worth it, for any of us. I hope you and your British jack hammer are living happily ever after with many little jack hammers running around calling you "mum"