V is not always for Vendetta

 V:

In the spring of 2013, I was volunteering at the local community arts center with my friend, Jason. We were supposed to help people around the gallery and help facilitate the selling of their art. Well, we walked around, drank free wine, ate free food, and people watched. It was our favorite thing to do in the world! I was walking through the back gallery, and I could feel someone looking at me. Have you ever had that ‘hair on the back of your neck stand up’ feeling? This was that. I looked up and made eye contact with a tall, dark, and handsome stranger. We made our way through the crowd to each other. We talked and talked but I had to get back to my post. He said he would find me later on the lawn for the “after party” which was more free (cheap) wine and a band playing. We drank and danced and kissed. We were all leaving, and I told Jason that we would meet him at the bar. V and I had ZERO intention of going to the bar. We went directly back to my house. Things were getting hot and heavy, so he suggested we move things upstairs. There was a literal trail of clothing from the front door up the stairs to my bedroom. We were nearing the point of no return, so I grabbed a condom and handed it to him. This is what went down:

A: here is a condom. Hurry up and getting it on (while kissing his neck)

V: (fumbling with said condom)...I can’t do this…

A: what’s wrong? Do you need help? Here let me do it. (I’m a take charge kind of gal when need be)

V: No, I mean I can’t do this. I can’t have sex with you.

A: Ok…elaborate please. Do you not want to? Are you not physically capable to? What’s happening here?

V: No, you are amazing, and I really want to but I’m waiting for my wife….

A: (completely dumfounded and silent for way too long)

V: Avery.....

A: YOU'RE MARRIED??!?!?!?!?!?!!????? (don’t forget I was sloshed on CHEAP wine)

V: NO, I am saving myself for marriage

A: Huh?? (scratches head)

V: Avery, I’m a virgin…

A: (again dumfounded and silent)

V: Avery...are you ok?

A: WAIT....wait....wait(processing).... WHAT?!?!?! So you just led me on this whole time?? Coming up stairs was YOUR idea! This whole thing was YOUR idea!!!

V: (trying to get a word in and me not letting him)…..

A: Collect your things and get the FUCK out of my house!!!!

 

I then proceeded to help him gather his things and threw him out on the front porch in his underwear. I’m pretty sure I hit him with a shoe (not purposely) when I was throwing his belongings on the front lawn. I have not seen V since, and I am 10000000% ok with that. Jason has seen him a few times, but they never speak. Some friends tell me I should be flattered that he was (almost) willing to give it up to me, and some friends just laugh and laugh and laugh.

 

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, my friends are dicks! And I wouldn’t have it any other way!